How do you protect the ones you love?

I wish I could make a cocoon to keep them safe,

or give them a soft blanket to wrap around themselves

Because the world has not yet made their hearts hard.

They’re still naive and see the world full of wonder and love.

Not like me, cynical and hard to love,

running away from feelings any chance I can.

They take chances, with their heart on their sleeve for the whole world to see.

I watch in awe, jealously, sorrow.

I know what’s coming for the unguarded heart.

How do you protect them, keep them safe, keep their hearts whole and untouched?

Like mine?

Bring It, 2015

Dear Reader,

I’ve been doing some self reflecting about the past year, and I have to say it was a year I didn’t see coming. But in the same breath, the writing was on the wall and perhaps I had ignored it. Inevitable things happened as I figured they would. There were ups and downs, days I cried and days I couldn’t stop laughing. The sad thing of this year was that it was my last safe year. A year that I knew where I was going to be, I knew what I was doing, and that I’d be okay. As for 2015? Well, I’m graduating college, so there’s that big question mark. Will I get a job? Will I move out of my parent’s house officially? Will I ever be able to afford the ‘everything is cute & mismatched but it incidentally all looks great together‘ apartment that I see in my head upon entering any TJ Maxx (that’s my biggest dream of the moment… like, next to landing a cool job)?

I try not to stress and plan for the future. In the past, I have and things have always seemed to work out. Call it karma, God’s plan or what you will but I firmly believe that everything will be alright. Sure, there will sucky days that I’ll want to throw in the towel but there will also be days that I’ll want to last forever. Every year, there’s good and bad mixed with lessons and memories. I only hope to keep learning and living, and especially to keep laughing.

At the beginning of 2014, I decided to make a list of goals, not resolutions. I don’t necessary believe in resolutions because people always say them and never follow through. Instead, I thought of 5 goals that I had hoped for myself. Here they are in all their glory….

20141. For one thing, I think I did smile more. Or I found more moments to be happy. Or I just watched more comedy sitcoms on Netflix (Mindy Project FTW).

2. I definitely read more. Reader, can you believe I didn’t read a single Nicholas Spark’s novel this year?! I found myself reading a lot more inspirational reading this year, books that encourage me to take hold of life. Remember my post on books I’d like to read over break? I’ve just finished tiny beautiful things by Cheryl Strayed, and I need you to go out and find it right now, Reader. Please, do it for me, for you and for your life. It’s beyond perfect.

3. I DID IT, READER. I stopped looking for love around every corner I turned. I’m learning to fall in love with myself and to not sit around waiting for Prince Charming; however, I could look to God more…

4 & 5. I improved on these ends but not as much as I’d like to.

So, I’d have to say, it’s been a pretty great year. As it becomes 2015 and I turn 22, I only hope I can fall in love with life more. Hopefully, I’ll be back in a year to tell you the answer to all my unanswered questions concerning the future. Reader, I hope your year was just as amazing; if not, I pray this year is better for you. Check back soon for my 2015 goals!

Love, B.

Build Your Puzzle: A Letter to Myself.

Hey pretty girl!

So, if you’re reading this that mean’s you must be feeling lonely or insecure or sad or all of the above. But guess what? It’s just for a moment. For a fleeting moment, it feels like the universe and all of its cosmic forces are working against you, the only single person on the planet. But oh, you are not alone. You are not unloved. Although, no one is there to hold you at night, to tell you sweet things, to kiss your forehead and say those three little words.

And that’s okay. You are free, you can go anywhere, you have a whole bed to you and you don’t have to shave your legs every day. Spend time with your friends, your family, and most importantly, yourself. Bask in your own beautiful life. Every moment, find the simple things to fall in love with. Smile as much as you can and for as long as you can. Look for the beauty in other things, other people.

Sure, those other people are in relationships, heck, they’re engaged or married. But that’s for them. Their life, that fits together right now. Your life in this very moment? It’s not a fit. Stop trying to shove two puzzle pieces together that will never fit. One day, one fleeting moment, the right puzzle piece will drop into your lap. It might be tomorrow or three years from now or 15 years from now, or never.

And that’s okay. Your puzzle piece will come. And if that one puzzle piece doesn’t come, then the cosmic universe will fill your lap with a dozen other puzzle pieces to complete your master puzzle. So read, paint, fill your head and heart with beautiful words and ideas that will inspire your puzzle. Every puzzle is different, every person has a different puzzle to build. Embrace your puzzle, it’s the best thing you’ve got.

Remember, you have a beautiful soul and an even more beautiful life. Don’t waste any more moments waiting for pieces to a puzzle that isn’t yours.

A Modern Day Fairytale

A Modern Day Fairytale

Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She loved dolls, the color pink and pretty dresses. She especially loved reading stories about princes and princesses who defied all odds to be together. The little girl wished to be a damsel, she wanted her prince to come and rescue her so they could fall in love and live happily ever after. The little girl believed in love so fiercely that it consumed her soul with a fire that would never be quenched until she one day found the truest of love for herself.large

As she got older, she read books about love, watched rom-coms and giggled with her friends about cute boys. She planned her wedding in her head and imagined the perfect life with her one true love. But the movies made it seem so simple. You were walking down the street when you would meet him. It would be casual in a coffee shop or in a book store. Somewhere that was completely out of nowhere. She lived for the moment when it would happen. She spent years wasting moments, wishing that all those moments would be the moment. But it never happened.

Over the years, as the little girl grew up, she began to build walls around her heart. She had watched as her closest friends bounced from guy to guy. She was always a shoulder to cry on, for one always seemed to be burned from their most recent “one true love. ” They had said he could have been the one. He was her everything and now she was his nothing. The girl saw her friends and their sorrow, so she began to build even more walls up around herself. She learned from her friends that it was best to be guarded with your heart. Yet, she still counted the moments that didn’t lead her to her own perfect one true love. She still daydreamed about her prince; she yearned for a long life, happily in love.

One day, when the little girl was not so little anymore, she looked around at the walls she had built. She had isolated herself and her heart behind stone. She had never felt so cold and alone. The loneliness consumed her. She resented love and all it had done to her. Her fear of love, perhaps her fear of being hurt from love, had separated her from the others. She tried to spy over the walls, but they were mostly too high for her to climb out from. There was still a small spark in her soul that wished for her prince to come riding in on a valiant bulldozer, forever knocking down the walls to rescue her and her heart.

Eventually, the girl grew numb from the cold. She cried until even her tears were gone. The numbness consumed both her and her heart. She had become cynical. Friends who were in love made her annoyed; the happiness wasn’t real, it wouldn’t last.

“Just wait,” she told them in her head,”I’ll be your shoulder to cry on soon enough.”

lonlyThe little girl was now a young woman. She threw herself into studying and working. She was too busy for love, she said. There was always an excuse, always a reason to keep herself behind the walls. Sure, she had flings and admirers, but no one held her attention long before she was gone, guarding her heart to keep it safe. She didn’t believe that anyone would actually want to knock down the walls. In her heart she knew that it would be next to impossible to find anyone who would want to break her down, wall by wall. She was numb and didn’t see another way to live.

Except, after some time she did. She knew she was unhappy, so she tried her best to fix that for herself. She wanted to see the world without the walls blocking her view. You see, to do that she fell in love. No, it wasn’t a whirlwind, and there weren’t fireworks like she had always imagined. This love was so very important because it was the only love she would ever truly need.

She fell in love with herself.

She fell in love with her crooked nose, her lanky legs and her small and dainty lips.  She began to love life, enjoying the time not just alone but with her friends and family. She fell in love with her best qualities, and she was apologetically herself. Sure there were hard days just like any relationship, but she learned that it was important to keep trying. The spark that she had nurtured for so long, the little flame of hope for her one true love to come was now a fire that slowly was burning through her. She had done it, she was her own hero. She had been able to take down some of the walls that held her in.

The girl no longer hoped for her one true love to come riding in on his valiant steed. Sure, she would still get lost in a daydream from time to time, but her hopes and dreams for her life had changed. She no longer wasted moments waiting to run into the man of her dreams. She still hoped to experience love with someone, but she didn’t need it to exist. Sure it would be nice, she thought, but if I never find it, it’ll be okay.

The little girl was finally free from the walls she had built to entrap herself. She still had a few walls up, but she was no longer enslaved to living in coldness behind them. The dreams she had as a little girl had finally come true. Yes, she had been a damsel. But there wasn’t a prince, she was the hero of her own story. She could finally see the beautiful heart that she had hidden for so long.

And that was all that mattered.

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It’s Okay.

My goal in life is to be the last little girl.

Today, for my 100 happy days, I was happy with myself. I didn’t think ‘ew you’re gross’ or ‘you suck’ or ‘you don’t deserve this or that.’ I want to live my own life, according to my rules. I don’t want to be defined by anyone else or anything. Today I saw myself in a new light. I’m sure that light will turn off tomorrow or in a week but for once I was able to find some peace with myself. Ideally, not the peace that I entirely want, but there’s definitely potential. Today I realized, it’s okay.

With the help of some friends and a certain lady named Taylor, I’ve found that life is pretty beautiful when you stop and look around. I think for most of my life I’ve had this notion that I would have it figured out by now. I would be happy in a relationship, I would be married one day. College was always that finish line in some sort of weird way. The thing is I have absolutely nothing figured out; I probably had it more figured out when I was seven. I’m weirdly okay with that right now. Like, for the first time, I don’t care that my life is messy and unplanned and that I’m alone. But I’m not alone and even when I am by myself, it’s okay.

Right now, I’m trying to accept that it’s absolutely positively okay to not have a single thing planned out. It’s okay to not be in relationship (Shout-out to everyone that keeps trying to convince me I need a relationship to be happy, I really want to prove you wrong. Shout-out to the one person who has tirelessly convinced me it’s not even close to being an important thing to have in life, you will always rock). It’s okay to dance around in your room with the same song on replay because it’s your favorite and it makes you feel free. It’s okay to be vulnerable¬† and sensitive (working on this, I swear…). If it brings you (real) happiness, then why shouldn’t you do it?

My current favorite quote that goes along with my current favorite song, from a really smart person,

“One thing I’ve learned is that there doesn’t have to be loneliness in being alone. You can find romance in your life even if you aren’t involved in a romance. Life can be beautiful and spontaneous and surprising and romantic and magical without you having some love affair happening. You can replace all of those feelings you used to have when you were enamoured with someone, with being enamoured with your friends and learning new things and challenging yourself and living life on your own terms.”

Here’s to finding romance, everywhere in life. Here’s to loving yourself and living life on your terms.

Love, B.

(p.s. if you haven’t white girl danced to the song New Romantics, you now have plans for the evening).