The Door.

I’m sitting in a room with only one door. It’s a pretty big room, once full of people that I know. We’ve had so many great times in this room. The memories are taped on the wall like photographs, I look at each of them and smile, occasionally laughing. Once, everyone was partying in the room I was in, but they’ve all left. There’s another room beyond the door and I don’t know what’s in there but people are running for it. That door scares me, mostly because I don’t know how to even come close to opening it. Or even wanting to. Because God knows what’s on the other side. So I sit there and stare at it and no one understands that I can’t just open the door and walk through it. But to understand the next room, I need to go through the door. The people, they joke and encourage me to ‘open the door! It’s easy!’ But I can’t, not even if I wanted to. I’m frozen and I’m just staring at everyone go through the door. When they open the door, I try to glimpse past them but it seems blurred, I can’t see to understand from this side of the door. They seem happy, moving on from the room, through the door. Why do they go through the door? Sometimes, they come back to my side of the door and they cry for a bit. They tell stories in rage about the room next door. It makes me wonder why they stay in that room. But they also speak of it’s joys and laughter and it sounds even more beautiful than I could ever imagine. Eventually, the person who came back to my room, goes right back through the door. Back to the beautiful room.

I’m afraid of that door.

I’m even more afraid that I’ll never find out what’s so great about that next room that’s right through the door.

So I work hard and laugh out loud and I continue on with my life, all the while the door silently haunts my thoughts, creeping in just when I had almost forgotten about it.

That stupid door.

Build Your Puzzle: A Letter to Myself.

Hey pretty girl!

So, if you’re reading this that mean’s you must be feeling lonely or insecure or sad or all of the above. But guess what? It’s just for a moment. For a fleeting moment, it feels like the universe and all of its cosmic forces are working against you, the only single person on the planet. But oh, you are not alone. You are not unloved. Although, no one is there to hold you at night, to tell you sweet things, to kiss your forehead and say those three little words.

And that’s okay. You are free, you can go anywhere, you have a whole bed to you and you don’t have to shave your legs every day. Spend time with your friends, your family, and most importantly, yourself. Bask in your own beautiful life. Every moment, find the simple things to fall in love with. Smile as much as you can and for as long as you can. Look for the beauty in other things, other people.

Sure, those other people are in relationships, heck, they’re engaged or married. But that’s for them. Their life, that fits together right now. Your life in this very moment? It’s not a fit. Stop trying to shove two puzzle pieces together that will never fit. One day, one fleeting moment, the right puzzle piece will drop into your lap. It might be tomorrow or three years from now or 15 years from now, or never.

And that’s okay. Your puzzle piece will come. And if that one puzzle piece doesn’t come, then the cosmic universe will fill your lap with a dozen other puzzle pieces to complete your master puzzle. So read, paint, fill your head and heart with beautiful words and ideas that will inspire your puzzle. Every puzzle is different, every person has a different puzzle to build. Embrace your puzzle, it’s the best thing you’ve got.

Remember, you have a beautiful soul and an even more beautiful life. Don’t waste any more moments waiting for pieces to a puzzle that isn’t yours.

A Modern Day Fairytale

A Modern Day Fairytale

Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She loved dolls, the color pink and pretty dresses. She especially loved reading stories about princes and princesses who defied all odds to be together. The little girl wished to be a damsel, she wanted her prince to come and rescue her so they could fall in love and live happily ever after. The little girl believed in love so fiercely that it consumed her soul with a fire that would never be quenched until she one day found the truest of love for herself.large

As she got older, she read books about love, watched rom-coms and giggled with her friends about cute boys. She planned her wedding in her head and imagined the perfect life with her one true love. But the movies made it seem so simple. You were walking down the street when you would meet him. It would be casual in a coffee shop or in a book store. Somewhere that was completely out of nowhere. She lived for the moment when it would happen. She spent years wasting moments, wishing that all those moments would be the moment. But it never happened.

Over the years, as the little girl grew up, she began to build walls around her heart. She had watched as her closest friends bounced from guy to guy. She was always a shoulder to cry on, for one always seemed to be burned from their most recent “one true love. ” They had said he could have been the one. He was her everything and now she was his nothing. The girl saw her friends and their sorrow, so she began to build even more walls up around herself. She learned from her friends that it was best to be guarded with your heart. Yet, she still counted the moments that didn’t lead her to her own perfect one true love. She still daydreamed about her prince; she yearned for a long life, happily in love.

One day, when the little girl was not so little anymore, she looked around at the walls she had built. She had isolated herself and her heart behind stone. She had never felt so cold and alone. The loneliness consumed her. She resented love and all it had done to her. Her fear of love, perhaps her fear of being hurt from love, had separated her from the others. She tried to spy over the walls, but they were mostly too high for her to climb out from. There was still a small spark in her soul that wished for her prince to come riding in on a valiant bulldozer, forever knocking down the walls to rescue her and her heart.

Eventually, the girl grew numb from the cold. She cried until even her tears were gone. The numbness consumed both her and her heart. She had become cynical. Friends who were in love made her annoyed; the happiness wasn’t real, it wouldn’t last.

“Just wait,” she told them in her head,”I’ll be your shoulder to cry on soon enough.”

lonlyThe little girl was now a young woman. She threw herself into studying and working. She was too busy for love, she said. There was always an excuse, always a reason to keep herself behind the walls. Sure, she had flings and admirers, but no one held her attention long before she was gone, guarding her heart to keep it safe. She didn’t believe that anyone would actually want to knock down the walls. In her heart she knew that it would be next to impossible to find anyone who would want to break her down, wall by wall. She was numb and didn’t see another way to live.

Except, after some time she did. She knew she was unhappy, so she tried her best to fix that for herself. She wanted to see the world without the walls blocking her view. You see, to do that she fell in love. No, it wasn’t a whirlwind, and there weren’t fireworks like she had always imagined. This love was so very important because it was the only love she would ever truly need.

She fell in love with herself.

She fell in love with her crooked nose, her lanky legs and her small and dainty lips.  She began to love life, enjoying the time not just alone but with her friends and family. She fell in love with her best qualities, and she was apologetically herself. Sure there were hard days just like any relationship, but she learned that it was important to keep trying. The spark that she had nurtured for so long, the little flame of hope for her one true love to come was now a fire that slowly was burning through her. She had done it, she was her own hero. She had been able to take down some of the walls that held her in.

The girl no longer hoped for her one true love to come riding in on his valiant steed. Sure, she would still get lost in a daydream from time to time, but her hopes and dreams for her life had changed. She no longer wasted moments waiting to run into the man of her dreams. She still hoped to experience love with someone, but she didn’t need it to exist. Sure it would be nice, she thought, but if I never find it, it’ll be okay.

The little girl was finally free from the walls she had built to entrap herself. She still had a few walls up, but she was no longer enslaved to living in coldness behind them. The dreams she had as a little girl had finally come true. Yes, she had been a damsel. But there wasn’t a prince, she was the hero of her own story. She could finally see the beautiful heart that she had hidden for so long.

And that was all that mattered.


Love Equals Happy: Lessons from Society.

So I’ve talked on here before about a friend who tried to shove her happy relationship down my throat by offering to set me up with a friend of hers (Read here). While I always greatly appreciate my friends offering to set me up with randos, it annoys the heck out of me. Another friend of mine does this because she “wants me to be happy.”

…Oh, I didn’t realize I wasn’t happy.

Since when did a girl have to have a boyfriend to be happy? Somewhere on the road of life, a girl learns that in society, you have to be in a relationship to find happiness. Based off my limited experience in relationships, I would have to disagree. In the few relationships I’ve been in, I wanted to pull my hair out. Each guy had different characteristics that I tried to look past; the longer I tried, the more annoyed I got. So, I got out of the relationship each time. And each time I felt a new sense of unbelievable happiness, I was free!

(No joke, after my first boyfriend and I broke up, I skipped around the house with a big smile on my face, dancing to happy music. I suspect most hard time prisoners do this upon their release…).

I have a feeling this is an unusual response to a breakup; most girls I know cry for days and eat pints of ice cream to soothe their broken hearts. Is it weird that I celebrate? Granted, my relationships haven’t lasted longer than mere weeks due to my inability to tolerate another person for longer than 8 days, but shouldn’t I be somewhat sorrowful? Usually a few weeks back into single world, I do get rather sad about being alone again. But I’d rather be alone than trapped in a relationship where I’m unhappy. So forgive me for refusing to date, but I’m happier this way.

Will I be single forever? Chances are yes, but you never know, maybe I’ll find someone out there that I can tolerate for more than 3 seconds. I can sort of already see myself becoming that work driven corporate bitch who runs the world with her smartphone and a cup of coffee, having no time for a serious relationship. Part of me is sort of okay with that. (Even though that totally means that I’m a Miranda, sigh I JUST WANT TO BE A CARRIE. Or more importantly, a Charlotte).  I would rather be single for the rest of my life than settle for something just because society tells me that’s how I’ll be happy. I feel that I’m doing pretty well as a cynical, sarcastic twenty something about to break out into the world of life.  There are most definitely worse things in life than being single, just saying. I mean, I could be doing worse. I could be on like drugs, for instance. So overall, I think I’m doing just fine in life as a single & fabulous lady.

Love, B.

Struggles of the Modern Twenty-Something.

Struggles of the Modern Twenty-Something.

Bars suck.

No, have you ever been a single, twenty-something in a bar? If you answered yes to this question, then you know my pain. If you answered no, well then Reader, let me paint you a picture…

You’re in a bar with your best girlfriends, the music’s beat is pounding in your ears, sending vibrations through your whole body. The alcohol has taken hold of your control and you can’t help but swaying your body from the left to the right. A smile creeps up on your face, you can’t remember a better time when you were so happy and carefree. You let out a laugh and throw your head back, feeling your hair swish against your back. The air feels good against your hot back, when did it get so hot in here? You think for a moment about your hair that you spent an hour straightening, but then you quickly forget because you don’t really care. You’ve never felt so free and alive.

This is basically what my friends and I look like.

Through the haze of smoke and bad decisions, you meet the stare of a cute guy.  He smirks at you as he sips his beer, clearly he finds you and your friends white girl dancing to be endearing. You keep an eye on him, he’s chatting with his buddies, but he keeps glancing over your way. You catch his eye again, he looks you up and down, seemingly taking in your swaying body. Clearly, he’s interested.

Now, there are three ways to end this story, all three have happened to me in one night…

A.  He turns back to his girlfriend. He continues to keep an eye on you throughout the night.

B. He walks straight over your way, to your beautiful best friend, introducing himself.

C. He never comes over cause he doesn’t have a pair of balls. Or he has a great seat at the bar to watch the football game on the TV.

Guys suck, bars suck, and it’s become clear that my heart of ice isn’t thawing out anytime soon.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend, Reader. I hope yours was more fun than mine…

Love, B.