It’s Okay.

My goal in life is to be the last little girl.

Today, for my 100 happy days, I was happy with myself. I didn’t think ‘ew you’re gross’ or ‘you suck’ or ‘you don’t deserve this or that.’ I want to live my own life, according to my rules. I don’t want to be defined by anyone else or anything. Today I saw myself in a new light. I’m sure that light will turn off tomorrow or in a week but for once I was able to find some peace with myself. Ideally, not the peace that I entirely want, but there’s definitely potential. Today I realized, it’s okay.

With the help of some friends and a certain lady named Taylor, I’ve found that life is pretty beautiful when you stop and look around. I think for most of my life I’ve had this notion that I would have it figured out by now. I would be happy in a relationship, I would be married one day. College was always that finish line in some sort of weird way. The thing is I have absolutely nothing figured out; I probably had it more figured out when I was seven. I’m weirdly okay with that right now. Like, for the first time, I don’t care that my life is messy and unplanned and that I’m alone. But I’m not alone and even when I am by myself, it’s okay.

Right now, I’m trying to accept that it’s absolutely positively okay to not have a single thing planned out. It’s okay to not be in relationship (Shout-out to everyone that keeps trying to convince me I need a relationship to be happy, I really want to prove you wrong. Shout-out to the one person who has tirelessly convinced me it’s not even close to being an important thing to have in life, you will always rock). It’s okay to dance around in your room with the same song on replay because it’s your favorite and it makes you feel free. It’s okay to be vulnerable  and sensitive (working on this, I swear…). If it brings you (real) happiness, then why shouldn’t you do it?

My current favorite quote that goes along with my current favorite song, from a really smart person,

“One thing I’ve learned is that there doesn’t have to be loneliness in being alone. You can find romance in your life even if you aren’t involved in a romance. Life can be beautiful and spontaneous and surprising and romantic and magical without you having some love affair happening. You can replace all of those feelings you used to have when you were enamoured with someone, with being enamoured with your friends and learning new things and challenging yourself and living life on your own terms.”

Here’s to finding romance, everywhere in life. Here’s to loving yourself and living life on your terms.

Love, B.

(p.s. if you haven’t white girl danced to the song New Romantics, you now have plans for the evening).

Time to Be Happy.

Dear Reader,
While talking to my therapist* recently, I realized that I don’t exactly know what makes me happy. I am one of those, I want everyone else to be happy so I do whatever they want to ensure that they have a wonderful life  type of people.
And sometimes I forget about myself in the process.
For instance, I dated someone mostly because my friend really wanted us to be together. He was sweet and I realized that I wasn’t into him as much as he deserved and then I had to end it. But looking back, I was sort of forced into it because I felt I needed to make my friend happy. I have realized most recently that sometimes I need to make me happy.
So how do I make myself happy?
I don’t want to necessarily do this because I always end up forgetting due to time, but I want to try the 100 days of happy. I won’t post every day, but I’ll keep a list and post every now and again about the things that make me happy.
I know it’s old and I know it’s been done a million times before, but everyone who has done it seems to have really been able to discover what truly makes them happy. Most days I think I’m happy and other days I think it’s all a sham. But I know that I want to be happy and I want to take control of my life and do it on my terms.

So Reader, I make a promise for 100 days to try and find happiness. And no, it’s not for you or my friends or family or anyone else.

It’s for me.

Love, B.

*My friend who’s a psych major and oddly excels at constantly giving me advice about how to get my crap together. I’m pretty sure when she goes to grad school, she’ll use me as her case studies because of my inability to function as an actual adult.

Love Equals Happy: Lessons from Society.

So I’ve talked on here before about a friend who tried to shove her happy relationship down my throat by offering to set me up with a friend of hers (Read here). While I always greatly appreciate my friends offering to set me up with randos, it annoys the heck out of me. Another friend of mine does this because she “wants me to be happy.”

…Oh, I didn’t realize I wasn’t happy.

Since when did a girl have to have a boyfriend to be happy? Somewhere on the road of life, a girl learns that in society, you have to be in a relationship to find happiness. Based off my limited experience in relationships, I would have to disagree. In the few relationships I’ve been in, I wanted to pull my hair out. Each guy had different characteristics that I tried to look past; the longer I tried, the more annoyed I got. So, I got out of the relationship each time. And each time I felt a new sense of unbelievable happiness, I was free!

(No joke, after my first boyfriend and I broke up, I skipped around the house with a big smile on my face, dancing to happy music. I suspect most hard time prisoners do this upon their release…).

I have a feeling this is an unusual response to a breakup; most girls I know cry for days and eat pints of ice cream to soothe their broken hearts. Is it weird that I celebrate? Granted, my relationships haven’t lasted longer than mere weeks due to my inability to tolerate another person for longer than 8 days, but shouldn’t I be somewhat sorrowful? Usually a few weeks back into single world, I do get rather sad about being alone again. But I’d rather be alone than trapped in a relationship where I’m unhappy. So forgive me for refusing to date, but I’m happier this way.

Will I be single forever? Chances are yes, but you never know, maybe I’ll find someone out there that I can tolerate for more than 3 seconds. I can sort of already see myself becoming that work driven corporate bitch who runs the world with her smartphone and a cup of coffee, having no time for a serious relationship. Part of me is sort of okay with that. (Even though that totally means that I’m a Miranda, sigh I JUST WANT TO BE A CARRIE. Or more importantly, a Charlotte).  I would rather be single for the rest of my life than settle for something just because society tells me that’s how I’ll be happy. I feel that I’m doing pretty well as a cynical, sarcastic twenty something about to break out into the world of life.  There are most definitely worse things in life than being single, just saying. I mean, I could be doing worse. I could be on like drugs, for instance. So overall, I think I’m doing just fine in life as a single & fabulous lady.

Love, B.