The Thing about Engagements.

At the ripe old age of 25, I am frequently bombarded with engagement posts all over my social media pages. It seems like every weekend, someone else I know either pops the question, or is asked for their hand in marriage. One by one, my friends are vanishing into wedding planning and settling down to spend their life with ‘the one.’ It seems like only yesterday we were studying for history tests in high school, and chugging beers on frat row in college. Yet, here we are attending showers and discussing bouquet arrangements. And, let me tell you, it’s getting so damn old.

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Now I need to clarify something, because I feel like this could be taken the wrong way. The reason I’m so annoyed with all these engagements has nothing to do with the fact that I doubt my boyfriend has ever even thought about the possibility of proposing. It’s that, at the age of 25, I still feel like I’m 17 and I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. I’m barely a functioning adult and you have the audacity to think I can be someone’s wife?! I’m have quite a bit of student loan debt, and you want me to plan a wedding?! It takes me 25 minutes to pick a movie on Netflix, you honestly expect me to pick a venue, meal and 4-5 friends to stand by my side?? You’re funny.

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Honest to goodness, I am so happy for all the friends I scoff at on Facebook when they post a photo of their ring. I honestly cannot wait to attend the wedding (or creep on the Facebook photos) and see the looks of joy on their faces. I cry at sappy romance films, I LOVE love and I love ‘happily ever afters’ even more. I just don’t why everyone is in such a rush to do this thing (and then the next thing which I cannot even begin to fathom, yes I’m talking about babies). To me, marriage is scary. It’s this serious adult thing that means something. You stand before your family and friends and God and vow to choose this person every single day for the rest of your life. And it seems like everyone is racing towards it.

Now, I love my boyfriend, and I love what we are together, but I’m content with where we’re at. I honestly wouldn’t care if he didn’t propose for another 5 or 10 years. Or never (again to be honest, I do want to get married, but planning a wedding sounds like literal hell with so many decisions and money down the drain, why would I do that)? I just cannot wrap my head around the fact that friends my age (or younger) are like yes, let’s do this thing that is (well, should be) permanent and really serious. Am I just overthinking it? I get that I shouldn’t compare my life journey to someone else’s, but it’s hard not to when it seems like literally every other person my age is doing this one thing. Every time I see another post or picture of a ring, I think of Amy Poehler’s wise words, “good for you, not for me.”

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Does anyone else feel this way about engagements? Or has anyone else survived their twenty’s and lived to give advice to the rest of us wandering souls? Let me know in the comments, I’d love to hear about it!

My Semi-QuarterLife Crisis.

Dear Reader,

Have you ever picked up everything and moved to a new place, not knowing a single soul, leaving all the people and places you love behind? If yes, then I suppose you get what I’m going through. If not, then I might sound like I’ve lost my marbles. I haven’t necessarily, but many things are sort of grey right now, not a lot of black and white, definitive things.

Maybe you do know what I’m going through though. It happens to many young adults, since being a twentysomething is chalk full of change and uncertainty, which results most often in an identity crisis. Jim Freed explains it well in his Thought Catalog article, 22 Things You Most Likely Didn’t Know About A Quarterlife Crisis,

….the quarterlife crisis is a response to overwhelming instability, constant change, too many choices, and a panicked sense of helplessness…..In Erikson’s groundbreaking book Childhood and Society, published in 1950, he posits that each stage of life from infancy to old age entails a specific struggle that defines the personality of the individual. The quarterlife crisis can be traced to Stage 6, or young adulthood, when intimacy competes with isolation. After coming out of the identity crisis of adolescence, individuals are ready to form relationships with others through close friendships and romantic relationships that create a sense of stability. The main variable is the fear of rejection. While most people overcome it and form these relationships, others fail to do so and end up in a state of isolation and despair.

So, because of this chaos, I am having trouble understanding who I am. Not in a existential sort of way, but in a ‘who am I as this twentysomething in Columbus, OH?’ I’m not the unemployed twentysomething from a small town in PA anymore. I’m not the reckless college student who didn’t have a care in the world anymore. So, who am I exactly?

Currently, I’m the person who goes to work, then begrudgingly drags her whimpy self to the gym, and then binge watches Netflix while eating popcorn and drinking cheap wine until she can safely go to bed at 9PM sharp. It’s safe and comfortable, but is that who I want to be necessarily? Not really if I have to think about it, at least in a not every night kind of way, you know?

I’ve also been sadly reminiscing about college and how life was before #adult. Things like going out on a Friday night without my college friends, making breakfast and going on walks without them make me sad. Also I hate going to Starbucks and not having someone to sit there for three hours discussing nothing and everything. It’s weird that I keep seeing the quote, “You can’t start a new chapter if you’re too busy re-reading the last one.” I mean, I literally have seen it five times in the last two days at random. But it’s made me realize that I can’t stop reading the last chapter because this new chapter is a big question mark and there’s no telling what will happen.

So maybe I’m having a quarter life crisis, or maybe I’m getting ready to let go of my last chapter and start a new one. I honestly couldn’t tell you. Reader, do you know what I’m talking about? Maybe motivational words of wisdom  from someone who’s been here?

Love, B.