Over the past few years, I’ve been moving down a path where I’m doing less and less creative things. I used to draw and paint regularly, and for a spell, I was learning hand lettering, first on paper, then on iPad. I started this blog as a creative outlet, though I would never necessarily call myself a writer by any means. I guess you could argue that baking is a more creative hobby as well? I usually find I’m at my most happy, or peaceful perhaps, when I’m doing something that errs more on the creative side; however, it’s been harder and harder for me to want to choose to do those types of things. My sketchbooks sit collecting dust, paints drying up. I haven’t really baked that much either recently and I have definitely been slacking to write anything on here.
Perhaps I’m uninspired after a year of sitting inside my apartment? Perhaps I’m changing and no longer love the things I used to? I really don’t know.
I started thinking about this because I found out about a co-worker’s side hustle (running an entire business, might I add) and as she’s not the first co-worker I’ve had that has a fully functioning side business, I can’t help but wonder where on earth she gets the time because she works more hours than I do most days. I certainly don’t have the time or energy to do anything creative like I want, let alone run a business after my full time job. But then I think about how today, I went to Target and came home to watch HGTV. I’ve been reading and staring at my phone (hi Zillow) for most of the day. On evenings during the week, after work, I usually make dinner and settle in to watch TV until I go to read before bed. After thinking about it, I guess, I do have the time to do something on the side as well, that be a hobby or a business, but when did I get so lazy? The thought of even doing anything other than laying here right now was exhausting. When did I become like this? Was it 2020? Or is it just being apart of our society, shifting more towards becoming mindless technology obsessed robots?
I kind of hate myself for it.
But I don’t hate myself, because 2020 was a year and we all need to recuperate from it. I also cannot compare myself to my coworker or anyone else because I’m on my own journey and I need to respect their journey. Perhaps I need to let go of things that aren’t serving me anymore, but I have to wonder if sitting in front of my TV like a mindless zombie might be what’s not serving me anymore. I did read 60 books last year, and I’ve already read 20 this year, so I’m not exclusively zoning out in front of a screen, but I do miss painting and drawing and baking. I do want to do these things as I do have plenty of time, but I find I’m unable to bring myself to do them and before I know it, a whole day is gone.
I decided to share some of my art here, which I never do, but it does look like 2019 was the last year I really got into my creativity. When I think about it, I lived alone and I had my dining room table (ahem entire apartment really) as a creative space, so I was always working there. I do wish I had a space here that I could go to and work; I keep trying to push my boyfriend to move into a bigger apartment so I can have access to something like that again but he’s not budging for a few more months (SIGH). I also used to take drawing classes when I lived in Columbus, but all the classes here in LA are too expensive. I need to find space and time to create again.
Has anyone else experienced this within the last year? How do you allocate your time, especially when you’re feeling too lazy to do anything other than binge another show?