Cons of Being a Wallflower

I am what you call a wallflower. I like to slink around unnoticed, observing other people. I read books, go to bed at 9PM, and have lived a mostly uneventful life, going to Target and drinking Starbucks. I know this may sound self-deprecating, and maybe it is, but I don’t mean it to be. I am fully aware I am more on the vanilla end of the spectrum. For the most part, I am more than happy with this life arrangement, except oddly, when it comes to swimsuits. Because of who I am, I am a solid neutral swimsuit kind of girl, even though I secretly wish I could be a bright pattern or bright color swimsuit wearer. Does this make sense? Let me explain.

When I was a little girl, I didn’t give a second thought to what my swimsuit looked like. As long as it was in my favorite color (pink), had flowers or my favorite character on it, I was sold. Fast forward 20 some years and I dread buying a new suit. I always end up with a solid neutral, even though I want the bright pattern or color. I want the red or the colorful floral, but I get the dark purple or black.

These are the suits that draw my eye upon first shopping, if I’m being totally honest. Deep down, when think about who I want to be, I want to be a loud pattern, look-at-me swim suit kind of gal, without the people looking at me part. I know that I can buy hundreds of these loud suits, but I more than likely won’t have the confidence to wear them. I’ll put it on, get anxiety about anyone noticing me, and put on my old faithful black bikini (also to note, a bikini that covers most of my ass).

I sometimes try to think about when this all started. Did something happen? Or did I just learn from society slowly over time that I am not the kind of girl who wears these suits? I am not the ‘look at me’ girl. I am a wallflower with an average body, a flat chest and 2 pack of abs (I am very proud of those, thank you very much).

I also don’t consider myself a ‘sexy’ person, I have been and will always be, cute. Again, I am mostly fine with this. I literally get waves of anxiety when I see women wearing thong bikinis (their butt is literally out, why even have bottoms on at all?), let alone a bright look at me color, or pattern.  I’m not judging these girls (fine maybe a bit). I don’t want to be judging those girls. I guess I’m envious of their self confidence more than anything, that they get to be ‘sexy’ while I’m ‘cute.’ Who dealt these cards anyway?

How does one become confident whilst not having been dealt the sexy card? But looking in further, why is sexy always hand in hand with confident? Isn’t there a sexiness to being quietly aloof and mysterious? I suppose in some scenarios, but no, I am a nice girl, who doesn’t want to speak too loudly or make herself overly noticed as to not take away from others. Cute.  To clarify, though, I do not necessarily want to be sexy, like the women who wear the thong bikini; though, you go girl, you do you. I just want to be the girl who puts on a loud pattern or cherry red swimsuit, and doesn’t give it another thought.

Is that so much to ask?

Sincerely,

Sara Ann

 

3 thoughts on “Cons of Being a Wallflower

  1. This is so interesting to read. I’ve never been a “small” or “skinny” girl, but even when I was at my smallest, shortly after graduating high school, I was never confident no matter what. I finally wore a bikini for a few summers in my early 20s but even though I wore a size in the single digits, I still didn’t think I looked good enough or sexy enough or skinny enough.
    Fast forward 10 years, where I’ve gained a ton of weight even though I’ve tried everything to lose a few pounds — and I’m finally confident. I’m back to a tankini to swim, but I honestly don’t care what other people think of me. I like what I wear and to be honest I like have a big butt and bigger boobs for the first time in my life.
    I had an aha moment a few years ago when I first gained all this weight – I was trying on a bathing suit I’d ordered online, and was surprised at how much I liked it. I started criticizing my thighs (which have always been the biggest part of me) in the mirror, and thought about how I wished I could go back to my twenty-year old self and slap some sense and confidence into me. Then I realized — if I wasn’t happy with my body THEN, when WOULD I be happy with it?
    Now. Now’s all ya got so I figured I better learn to love it! And I finally have!
    Maybe it’s an age thing? lol Good luck on your body positive journey.

    1. I really appreciate you sharing your experience with this. Going back and re-reading my post, I guess I danced around the topic of my body image, but didn’t exactly say anything about it. I guess I probably don’t want to where a look at me suit, because that would require people also looking at my body. I definitely have come a long way on my body positive journey, but I still hit roadblocks here and there. Thank you for helping me see what was in between the lines on this one!

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