My goal in life is to be the last little girl.
Today, for my 100 happy days, I was happy with myself. I didn’t think ‘ew you’re gross’ or ‘you suck’ or ‘you don’t deserve this or that.’ I want to live my own life, according to my rules. I don’t want to be defined by anyone else or anything. Today I saw myself in a new light. I’m sure that light will turn off tomorrow or in a week but for once I was able to find some peace with myself. Ideally, not the peace that I entirely want, but there’s definitely potential. Today I realized, it’s okay.
With the help of some friends and a certain lady named Taylor, I’ve found that life is pretty beautiful when you stop and look around. I think for most of my life I’ve had this notion that I would have it figured out by now. I would be happy in a relationship, I would be married one day. College was always that finish line in some sort of weird way. The thing is I have absolutely nothing figured out; I probably had it more figured out when I was seven. I’m weirdly okay with that right now. Like, for the first time, I don’t care that my life is messy and unplanned and that I’m alone. But I’m not alone and even when I am by myself, it’s okay.
Right now, I’m trying to accept that it’s absolutely positively okay to not have a single thing planned out. It’s okay to not be in relationship (Shout-out to everyone that keeps trying to convince me I need a relationship to be happy, I really want to prove you wrong. Shout-out to the one person who has tirelessly convinced me it’s not even close to being an important thing to have in life, you will always rock). It’s okay to dance around in your room with the same song on replay because it’s your favorite and it makes you feel free. It’s okay to be vulnerable and sensitive (working on this, I swear…). If it brings you (real) happiness, then why shouldn’t you do it?
My current favorite quote that goes along with my current favorite song, from a really smart person,
“One thing I’ve learned is that there doesn’t have to be loneliness in being alone. You can find romance in your life even if you aren’t involved in a romance. Life can be beautiful and spontaneous and surprising and romantic and magical without you having some love affair happening. You can replace all of those feelings you used to have when you were enamoured with someone, with being enamoured with your friends and learning new things and challenging yourself and living life on your own terms.”
Here’s to finding romance, everywhere in life. Here’s to loving yourself and living life on your terms.
(p.s. if you haven’t white girl danced to the song New Romantics, you now have plans for the evening).