Remember how I said I was on my way to standing on my own two feet? I guess I lied. Or I thought I was and then something happened that made me lose sight of who I thought I was. It knocked me down to my feet and I’m having a lot of trouble standing.
Backstory? I have a somewhat A type personality when it comes to school and grades. My friends and I all strive for the best, spending most of our time stressing and worrying about school. I finished my third year at college and I had a flawless grade record. I defined myself by the 37 A’s I had worked my butt off for.
Then I got a B.
I cried. A lot. You think I’m crazy? I probably am. Thinking about it even now makes me want to curl into fetal position and sob until I fall asleep. I hate myself and the lack of work I put into the class I got a B in. It sucks. I keep pretending that it didn’t happen or that it’s okay. But it’s not okay. It’s not okay.
My friend told me that I shouldn’t define myself by a number or a letter, but that I wouldn’t believe that for a long time. I honestly don’t think it will be okay for a long time. It’s even harder to accept it now that I’m back at school where I was once a student with a flawless record. I don’t think I felt above anyone, but it made me feel smart, it defined me. In addition, I’m a blonde. I’ve lived for most of my life with jeers and jokes about my intelligence or lack there of. I guess at the end of it all, I wanted to hold up all those A’s just to show everyone that I wasn’t a vapid idiot.
So now I’m sitting on the ground of Life, looking around trying to figure out who I am really am when the perfect GPA is wiped away. Who am I other than a really great head of blonde hair and a mildly decent ability to draw. Who am I really? I feel like going all Elizabeth Gilbert on ya’ll and trying to find myself in various countries of the world. If I weren’t a poor college student who had to finish her fourth year of studies, I totally would be booking a ticket now. But I only have Netflix and this glass of wine, so maybe I’ll find myself in the next year and maybe I won’t. I hope you’ll all bear with me as I try to figure it out.
Goodnight and sleep well! I hope tomorrow is a beautiful day for you!