I’m stating facts today, kids: 99%* of all friends who are in relationships will try their darnest to set you up with someone, so you’ll be just as happy, if not happier than your friend and her boyfriend. We’ve all been there. Someone recommends a close friend or friend of their boyfriend’s that “…you would be totally perffffect with, gurrllll. OMG, like he’s so sweet and nice, totally your type.”
Cue eye roll. Cue vomiting, cue 666 induced head spinning.
Being single is usually a pretty great thing. I have a queen bed all to myself, which is good because at 118 pounds, I somehow manage to take up the entire thing by myself (and my cat…sometimes). I don’t have to share my dessert (or meal) with anyone (other than my roommates because they deserve it). I don’t feel obligated to shave my legs, wear a thong, or make sure my toes are painted because there’s no one to impress; I do these things because I want to do them, for me. I’ve said it before and I’m sure I’ll say it 1,001 times again before I die, why is it so socially unacceptable for me to be single?
But now the wheels are spinning. My friend has planted a seed in my brain and I’m curious. I trust my friend, she has a decent boyfriend. She wouldn’t lead me astray, right?! Then the questions in my head begin…Does he have a job, is he in school, what’s his religion, what’s his stance on abortion, does he like spinach on pizza…? My friend will talk him up, “…such a sweetheart, oh so close with his family! AND he’s Catholic!” Oh no, she pulled out the C-word. My weak little heart.
Out comes the phone. “So I’m friends with her boyfriend on Facebook, where’s the search friends…. oh there it is, okay she said his name was Matt…. does he go by Matt or Matthew, hm I’ll try both. Okay M-A-T-T…..six friends named Matt, sigh. okay, is this him? No, that’s not it. What about this one? Wait, yep that’s his college and hometown, alright. Wait, why is his profile picture not a picture of him…Matt what do you look like?!?”
Don’t even tell me you’ve never done this, you’re lying if you do, reader. I feel mildly guilty and shallow (to be honest) that I need to see a picture of the guy. A guy can sound perfect on paper but without a physical attraction, there’s not much I can do. Also, there are Facebook cues that can tell me more about him, based on his pictures (which Matt has made extremely private…drats). As far as I can see, Matt does not seem like the ‘shirtless mirror selfies’ type, he seems more of the traveling and smart type, which is nice but I need to see his face. Not to be shallow but seriously, dude, what’s your face, show me your face!!! How come the entirety of the male population either has a baby photo, a group shot or a shirtless mirror selfie as their ProfPic??
Guys: here’s how you get the ladies…
- Set your profile picture to a snapshot of you and your mom/grandma, or you holding a puppy/kitten. Done.
- Avoid babies, we get confused, he has a baby? Wait, maybe that’s his nephew since the one comment from a relative says about being an uncle? oh whew. If you do use a baby, clarify the caption as to whose baby it is. Please. Because you holding a cute and happy baby (that’s been clearly out-ruled as your own), will make us think you’re good with children, which is such a turn on, you don’t even understand.
- Avoid the beer bong or keg stand shot with your frat brothers. Golly gee I bet you have serious life goals and aspirations. Also, employers will eat that sh*t up. #GoodLuckWithThatJobSearch
- Posting you standing in front of a mountain or ancient Parisian building intrigues us, you like to travel? Hmmm…
- Mirror shot in the gym. Dear Lord, next.
This is why I’m single. Too much work, reader. I’ll stick to reading in bed and binge watching House of Cards while I drink wine with my never affectionate cat.
Enjoy the sunshine today, love, and if it isn’t sunny where you are, then I hope the sunshine finds you soon. And I hope your friends don’t try to set you up with guys with whom you would never, ever date.
Yours truly, B.
*No based on actual data, just an estimate from my own personal affairs.